Monday, June 21, 2010

A movie review

Raavan- A cure for insomniacs

Actor : Character -- Role
Abhishek : Bheera--bandit
Aishwarya : Ragini--annoying wife of Vikram
Vikram : Droooooooll--police officer or SP or DGP or something droollll
Govinda : God knows--monkey left to roam free, due to human error


Vikram drooolll.... comes to capture Bheera. Instead, Bheera captures Ragini. Vikram with that let loose monkey and several other extras dressed in army outfits (really army to capture a bandit?) set out to bring back Ragini and to catch Bheera.

Scene 1: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 1

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screech I am not afraid of you..I am not afraid of death screeechhh…

Bheera- bak bak jhik jhik

Scene 2:

Vikram drool drip drip… comes to the place where Ragini was held captive. He sees her dress, drops on the ground.

Dream scene-

Ragini in ultra short blouse and low waist saree calls herself a classical dancer, teaches dance to 50 kids in her cramped 1 bedroom flat.

Ragini- jatak matak ooo look at my tiny waist jatak and my smooth skin matak matak…I can’t act but who cares.

Vikram – my dear Raginiiiii…boohoooo….

End of dream scene

Scene 3: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 2

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screechhhhhhhhhhhhhhh …arches eyebrows, fake tears..screechhhh… Thank god for water-proof eyeliners screechhh.....

Scene 4: Bheera and Vikram clash on a bridge

Vikram- ohh look at my muscles, they look so good in this ultra tight Roopa baniyan. Dishumm dishum

Bheera- Saalee… dishum

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, both of them too.

Scene 5: Who gets Ragini?

Bheera emerges.

Bheera- I am donating you to that guy. Have fun.

Bheera disappears.

Vikram emerges.

Vikram- Awesome baniyan material, I fell 30 ft not a hole in the cloth. Must get some more.

Vikram- Ragini, I can see that you are ok. Where is Bheera? Dammit I missed him. Next time.

Ragini- Bats eyelids..fake tears. Haila! my heroooo…

Scene 6: Agni..something

Vikram- You must have done some hanky-panky with Bheera no? You were with him for 14 days and 14 NIGHTS.

Ragini- What rubbish. Who told you so?

Vikram- Bheera only. If you are really telling the truth take a polygraph test. (I SWEAR this is what he tells her).

Ragini- What?! Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…Noooo…

Vikram- Stop your eye exercise, you are making me nauseas.

Ragini- Gasp! How rude!

Pulls the red lever meant to stop a train during emergency.

Vikram- Who is going to pay the fine for pulling that lever? Your maama?

Scene 7: Ragini confronts Bheera

Ragini- What did you tell my pati?

Bheera- That you are even more shiny and pure than 24ct gold.

Ragini- Pupils dialate. Reaaallyyyyy??? How shweettt…. Vikram didn’t believe me, he said things. Things that I cannot tell you in public. Fake tears….

Bheera- Really? Will you stay with me?

Ragini- Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- I love what you do with your eyes

Ragini- arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- Waiiiiiiitttttt a minitteee… Does he know you are here? He has used you as a bait to locate me.

Ragini- Chee don’t be silly. If he had that much budhi, he would have caught you long ago.

Scene 8: Last scene THANK GOD.

Tan tan tanadannnnaaaannnnnnnnnnn…

Vikram comes with the entire Indian army and all the Alsatian dogs in Bangalore.

Vikram- Hasta la vista Bheera..

Ragini- Noooo… eess koo maath maarooo….

Vikram- Ragini, come I will get you the Cover girl lash blast mascara, come here.

Ragini- sachi muchi? Ok.

Doom doom doom…

Bheera- ahhhh….

Dudhak. RIP.

The End.
Rating- 2/10 (2 is only for Vikram). Mani Ratnam please take VRS.

PS1- This piece is dedicated to my friend K who is struggling in Basel without entertainment.

PS2- I am sorry this space was ignored for so many months. I am occupied with other things right now and this space shall be dusted occasionally.

PS3- Its not good to take such long breaks. It took me so long to write this crap review, you guys better leave a nice comment, if you are leaving one.

PS 4- To that nut job who is leaving me a comment in Chinese or Japanese or Korean for the Dorie Greenspan post, stop it. I get it that you like the cookie but you don’t have to leave a comment every week!!