Day 2: I am a freaky eater

I am obsessed with pudi/podi. I am the only person in my house to buy and finish these spicy podis. Since J won't take any spice, my cooking is bland and I douse my food (from sambhar to palak paneer) in these podis (now you believe me when I say- I'm a freaky eater :D). I've tried quite a few podis, mum's, my aunt's and mil's (my aunt's garlic podi and curry leaf podi ranks supreme, absolutely delish. Mental note- get recipe from her, note 2- why is all this in brackets? whatever). Ah so, in the US I loved MTR the aroma of hing was hmmmm... zzzoooo good. I don't know why the same MTR podi here is so crap. Among the commercial varieties I rank Shakti idly podi as #1, aachi and MTR blegh. I'm yet to try Grand sweets/ Adyar ananda bhavan (if you know any Iyer maamis selling podi do let me know). I also tried some Chettinad podi I picked up form Singapore Shoppe (the store doesn't even have a Merlion statue, God knows why it's called Singapore shoppe) that was spicy and yum. Sri Krishna idly podi is good, their curry leaf podi is bad.

Without further delay I present to thee... The Podis :D

From L to R: Sri Krishna idly podi-yum, bought MTR hated it so decided to mix Shakti idl podi to salvage it, don't think it worked it still tastes meh, SK curry leave powder-bought it 2 months ago and must have eaten only 2 spoons didn't like, Chettinad idli podi- got it 2 weeks ago almost over yum.

Anyone else freaky podi eater like moi?

Weighty Issues

Dear weighing scale,

How could you do this to me? It is SO not fair, snifff... I made gulab jamoons, kaju katli, poha payasa and murukku for Diwali. How many did I eat? 1 of each. How many did J eat? 10-15 pieces of each. Last Sunday I made onion pakodas, you know rainy day, tea time snacks. I ate half a pakoda only to check if the seasonings are ok. J ate 9. Thats right, N-I-N-E.

What does he munch in his office? Raisins, no not the ordinary ones the man only eats chocolate covered raisins. What do I munch at home, 7 baby carrots with 1Tbsp hummus at 11pm then 1 apple at 3pm. J's exercise 25 steps from the door to the lift and 17 steps to his car then some 100 odd steps through the day, then punching the keyboard. Me, I bust my ass from 4.30 to 5.30am doing this,

laundry ok ok I don't handwash the clothes the machine does it, but I still hand fold them, washing dishes, cooking, vacuuming and the most calorie burning of it all-running after my hyper 16mo( what you didn't know I had a 16mo? Are you not my FB friend :D).

Even after all this how could you tell J- 'you have lost 1.8lbs since your last weigh-in' and tell me 'you have gained 1.8 lbs'?!

Sigh, I don't know what else to tell you except, I hate you.

Goodbye.

Yours Insincerely,

SJ

SJ gyaan

The term 'butterflies in my stomach' is ridiculous. Nobody has swallowed a butterfly whole to see if its going to flutter or drown in the HCl pool of your stomach. From this day on I coin a new term for that sick feeling you get in your stomach when you are anxious. Its called "loose motion feeling' nothing to laugh about. Everyone has had loose motion at least once in their life and know that 'gudu-gudu' feeling in the stomach so its more apt than the butterfly one.

yes, I am a born genius :D

Hair cuttery

I cannot do small talk. Yes, I know you guys must be shocked. Me, SJ the only-nonsense, 24/7 talking crap girl can't do small talk. Two reasons- I can't say what I really want to say (that would be disastrous) and in some places I just want to get the job done and go home. The hair salon is a good example. Just cut my hair tell how much, I pay we say bye bye I prefer it this way and so do the people in the Desi hair salon. But that freaking place is 15mins drive and I have to wait for J to take me there. The local one is a 5min walk from my place and I just had to lose 1kg (what better and easy way to lose weight than to cut your hair). And this was what happened.

She- Hello, what you want.

Me (what I said WS) - hair cut

(what I wanted to say WWS)- Bra fitting! WTH woman this is a hair salon right?

She- You want shampoo?

Me WS- yes

WWS- hell yeah!

I don't know you folks but I love to get my hair washed by hands other than mine. Just sit back and relax while those hands work magic..aaahhh..just like chocolate melting in your mouth. ahhhh.... sooo nice...yeahh there that area has been itching for some days yessss....ahhh...

She- My name Sun what yours?

WTH!!! Really, now? Introductions??!

Me WS- SJ

WWS- Moon hahahhahaa...

She- you from India?

Me WS- yeah

WWS-Is that why you woke me up?

She- yeah I can tell.

Me WS- grin

WWS- great. Next year's Noble award goes to you.

She- India people have thick hair. Yours so thick.

Me WS- grin

WWS- ayooo..aunty please stop.

She- what you do for such thick hair?

Me WS- grin

WWS- eat gobar.

She- Now your hair heavy because its wet. Its heavy?

Me WS- yeah.

WWS- you want to weigh it?

She- ha ha your face so leetil, hair so heavy.

Me WS- grin

WWS- someone just kill me.

We then proceeded to her station for the hair cut.

cut cut cut

She- so thick your hair.

Me WS- grin

WWS- gun or machete which is better?

She- veeddy dry also...so much hair.

Me WS-.....

WWS- Dear God, why thou me hatest?

cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut remember its veddy thick cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut

She- done. you like it?

Me- yeah. Can you just blow dry also?

She- BLOW DRY?

The look on her face was just priceless LOL!

She- Blow dry is extra 10$.

Like that was going to deter me. I love a blow dry as much I love getting my hair shampooed by a stranger :D

wheeeeeee.....

She- so thick you need to thin it leetil

Me WS- .......

WWS- how? take bath in HCl?

She- ok all done.

Me WS-sigh (yeah I really did sigh)

WWS-Hallelujah!

OK now don't you guys start feeling sorry for Ms. Sun and start to think that I am a evil client. Ms. Sun convinced me that I needed some special shampoo and conditioner for my thick hair.

J- You were gone for so long!

Me- Yeah shampoo, cut and blow dry took time.

J- how much ?

Me- 70$

J- Whaaa?? Its just 20$ for a cut.

Me- Yeah, she made me buy some shampoo/conditioner and charged extra for the blow dry because I have 'veddy thick' hair.

J- The Desi salon is better, no?

Me- ..............

A movie review

Raavan- A cure for insomniacs

Actor : Character -- Role
Abhishek : Bheera--bandit
Aishwarya : Ragini--annoying wife of Vikram
Vikram : Droooooooll--police officer or SP or DGP or something droollll
Govinda : God knows--monkey left to roam free, due to human error


Story:

Vikram drooolll.... comes to capture Bheera. Instead, Bheera captures Ragini. Vikram with that let loose monkey and several other extras dressed in army outfits (really army to capture a bandit?) set out to bring back Ragini and to catch Bheera.


Scene 1: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 1

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screech I am not afraid of you..I am not afraid of death screeechhh…

Bheera- bak bak jhik jhik


Scene 2:

Vikram drool drip drip… comes to the place where Ragini was held captive. He sees her dress, drops on the ground.

Dream scene-

Ragini in ultra short blouse and low waist saree calls herself a classical dancer, teaches dance to 50 kids in her cramped 1 bedroom flat.

Ragini- jatak matak ooo look at my tiny waist jatak and my smooth skin matak matak…I can’t act but who cares.

Vikram – my dear Raginiiiii…boohoooo….

End of dream scene


Scene 3: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 2

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screechhhhhhhhhhhhhhh …arches eyebrows, fake tears..screechhhh… Thank god for water-proof eyeliners screechhh.....


Scene 4: Bheera and Vikram clash on a bridge

Vikram- ohh look at my muscles, they look so good in this ultra tight Roopa baniyan. Dishumm dishum

Bheera- Saalee… dishum

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, both of them too.


Scene 5: Who gets Ragini?

Bheera emerges.

Bheera- I am donating you to that guy. Have fun.

Bheera disappears.

Vikram emerges.

Vikram- Awesome baniyan material, I fell 30 ft not a hole in the cloth. Must get some more.

Vikram- Ragini, I can see that you are ok. Where is Bheera? Dammit I missed him. Next time.

Ragini- Bats eyelids..fake tears. Haila! my heroooo…


Scene 6: Agni..something

Vikram- You must have done some hanky-panky with Bheera no? You were with him for 14 days and 14 NIGHTS.

Ragini- What rubbish. Who told you so?

Vikram- Bheera only. If you are really telling the truth take a polygraph test. (I SWEAR this is what he tells her).

Ragini- What?! Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…Noooo…

Vikram- Stop your eye exercise, you are making me nauseas.

Ragini- Gasp! How rude!

Pulls the red lever meant to stop a train during emergency.

Vikram- Who is going to pay the fine for pulling that lever? Your maama?


Scene 7: Ragini confronts Bheera

Ragini- What did you tell my pati?

Bheera- That you are even more shiny and pure than 24ct gold.

Ragini- Pupils dialate. Reaaallyyyyy??? How shweettt…. Vikram didn’t believe me, he said things. Things that I cannot tell you in public. Fake tears….

Bheera- Really? Will you stay with me?

Ragini- Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- I love what you do with your eyes

Ragini- arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- Waiiiiiiitttttt a minitteee… Does he know you are here? He has used you as a bait to locate me.

Ragini- Chee don’t be silly. If he had that much budhi, he would have caught you long ago.


Scene 8: Last scene THANK GOD.

Tan tan tanadannnnaaaannnnnnnnnnn…

Vikram comes with the entire Indian army and all the Alsatian dogs in Bangalore.

Vikram- Hasta la vista Bheera..

Ragini- Noooo… eess koo maath maarooo….

Vikram- Ragini, come I will get you the Cover girl lash blast mascara, come here.

Ragini- sachi muchi? Ok.

Doom doom doom…

Bheera- ahhhh….

Dudhak. RIP.


The End.

Rating- 2/10 (2 is only for Vikram). Mani Ratnam please take VRS.

PS1- This piece is dedicated to my friend K who is struggling in Basel without entertainment.

PS2- I am sorry this space was ignored for so many months. I am occupied with other things right now and this space shall be dusted occasionally.

PS3- Its not good to take such long breaks. It took me so long to write this crap review, you guys better leave a nice comment, if you are leaving one.

PS 4- To that nut job who is leaving me a comment in Chinese or Japanese or Korean for the Dorie Greenspan post, stop it. I get it that you like the cookie but you don’t have to leave a comment every week!!

Winter blues

I have no mood

...to read, the books I got from the library are just rotting away in the plastic bag.

...to take pictures. The camera, lenses and tripod are packed away in the closet.

...to bake. The brand new Kitchen-Aid mixer that J got for me as an anniversary gift is still in the box. I don't even know the colour of the mixer, sad.

...to cook anything new.

...to even check out the scrap booking software J bought for me during Thanksgiving. And I love scarp booking. sigh.

...to knit/crochet. Its been more than 2 months since I touched the yarn and needles.

...to watch TV. I have not watched Ina Garten or Alton Brown for God knows how long.

...to blog. I started this post on Monday sigh.

Why? I suffer from SAD. I despise winter, to me its the worst season ever. It is perpetually cold, it gets dark early, everyone is covered from head to toe in heavy coats, its all white and gloomy, there is just no colour or life in winter ugh! And I don't even want to talk about snow *puke*

Summer where art thou?

PS- if you are a winter lover and want to try to make me fall in love with winter. Save it. It is not going to work.

I feel...

like eating mysore pak. Not the hard-healthy-no ghee (less ghee)-less sugar-saccharin one. The soft, real sugar (sucrose) laden, ghee dripping (ok not dripping, but you get the point), the melt-in-the-mouth kind. Anandha Bhavan in Chennai used to have awesome mysore paks. Me wants :( very badly. What do you want badly? (cars, XBOX, Wii, new wife/husband, good grades, Hawaii vacation etc. not accepted, only food items).

Old age?

Every time I finish cooking, J does a full inspection of the kitchen. Because I, sometimes (ok make that usually) forget to switch off the stove (mine is an electric stove not gas). Today was different.

I decided to make this and added 2Tb sesame seeds in the kadai and got stirring to get it all brown. Stir, stir, stir...for a full 15mins, still it was white as snow. Packet old? No. Genetically modified sesame seeds that probably don't brown? No. Maybe I had to stir around for some more time? No. May be the heat was not enough? Umm.... I hadn't even switched on the damn stove.

Should I be worried?

On a side note the baingan dish came out good. And I would have saved 10mins if that stove was on. Dammit.

Oh my gosh!

I thought a news channel is supposed to report international/national news. News= war, famine, drought, politics, scientific breakthroughs and other such newsworthy items.

Star news I think you really ought to change your name to Star's Gossip News.

When she is pregnant she has no choice, she has to deliver the baby (and you guys will get the photos somehow)! So dumb 3mins 57sec analyzing why she threw some sand. And me another fool for watching it!

India Guide: You ask, I answer

I have been dying to do this post ever since I saw a similar one on another blog (I've trying to find that blog for 2 days, no luck :( )

1) I am visiting India for the first time how should I prepare myself? - Michelle

Hi Michelle, I am happy you are visiting India (of all the places in the world you had to chose this place!) Well, for starters, I would advice you to watch Lonely planet on Discovery channel this show will give you more information about India and its people. I would also advice you to talk to Indians in your neighbourhood, avoid the ABCDs they have no clue about India. Visit the temples and the kitty parties hosted by fat desi aunties. But in general I would suggest you get chlorine bleach, iodine tablets, a doctor (if thats too expensive get tickets to Singapore), frozen food.

2) What is advisable to eat and drink in India? - Pat

Hey Pat, this is a very good question. I have seen many tourists not taking this seriously and then end up spending time in the loo with dysentery than enjoy their trip. Indian people love to hand-handle their food i.e, they touch food with their bare hands with no gloves (Egads!) I would advice you to stay off Indian food. Its best you bring pre-cooked pastas and frozen salads. The only thing safe to eat in India is raw vegetables and fruits. But remember to soak them in chlorine bleach before consuming them. I would suggest you drink all the water you can before you board the flight and get some rubber water bottles (the ones seen in the movie Laurence of Arabia). If you are desperately thirsty drink soda made only by the Coca Cola or Pepsi company.

3) Do people understand English and other foreign languages? - Mark

Hi Mark! You have to understand India is a third world country. There are not many schools or internet cafes. Indians can speak only their native tongue. In some parts of India (especially teh rural areas) people only communicate through drawing on the walls (you must have seen this in Raise of the Neanderthal on Discovery). I would advice you to watch the parliament session and try to learn the native tongue and the drawings/sign languages from a gentleman named Laloo Prasad Yadav and his pals.

4) Can I pay in Euro, US $ or through credit cards in India? - David

David, India does not accept foreign currencies. They still believe in the barter system. If you want to buy a tomato you have to trade your watch, if you want to buy a pastry (not a good decision) you have to give them your suitcase.

5) Should I use auto and bicycle rickshaws? - PK

Hi PK, I would not recommend autos or rickshaws. They have been known to interchange the position of bones in the vertebra. I would suggest you rent a bullock cart (a bull attached to a wooden trolley) or an elephant. They are much cheaper and gentler on the bones.

6) I have heard there are animals on the streets how should I deal with them? - Dan

Hi Dan yes sadly animals rule the Indian roads. You might encounter a feral cow or dog. I would advice you to have some bananas and a packet of Parle-G (cookies for dogs) handy. Just in case they attack you throw these and you will be safe. Do not attempt to pet any of these animals, remember they are not domesticated they will bite and it will not be a good sight.

7) How should I handle beggars? - Linda

Hi Linda I am so happy you asked this question. After the feral animals, its the beggars who are a menace. I would advice you not to look at them in the eye. If they run after you turn around and give them a stern look. If its a child beggar, then just throw some cheap candy, get on your elephant and run for your dear life. If you find a woman begging with a baby and you pity her and would like to help her out. Stop. The baby is definitely not hers and she doesn't deserve any sympathy.

8) Do cell phones work in India? - Twiggy

Twiggy I am sorry to say mobile phones do not work in India. Most people used small boys as messengers to communicate information, but now since USA is pressurizing India to stop child labour, messenger-boys are not in vogue. Instead pigeons are being as communication gadgets. You can buy these pigeons at the local bazaars (markets) , if you buy 10 you get standard messages like "Hi I am fine", "Thank you", "No mention", "Want to watch drama tonight?", "Want to play kabbadi( it's a game where a man slaps his thighs shouting 'kabadi, kabadi' and try to grab another man's thighs)?" etc for free. Remember, custom messages are expensive so chose your words carefully.

9) What do I do if I get sick? Are there good hospitals in India? - Jim

Oh Jim! The last thing you want to do in India is get sick. There are no hospitals in India which offer medical care that you get in your country. You probably have to fly to Singapore or Malaysia to get medical attention. Also it is best that you get shots for tetanus, malaria, whooping cough, measles, polio, meningitis, hepatitis A to Z, STDs, chicken pox, small pox, H1N1 and other such diseases (See my book for the complete list) before you land in India. You can also hire a doctor to accompany you on your trip.

10) Should I drink water? Is bottled water safe? - JJ

NOOO.. JJ avoid drinking water in India. The so called mineral water is nothing but clarified sewage water packaged in a plastic bottle. I would suggest you drink tender coconuts (coconut that still has its husk and the flesh has not hardened) to quench your thirst, but remember to drop an iodine tablet in the coconut before you drink it. Also remember to soak the straw in chlorine bleach before using it.

11) Generally speaking when is the best time to visit India? - Gordon

Dear Gordon anytime is ok to visit India. But get a gas mask to protect you from the pollution and smell.

12) How should I dress on the streets? - Diane

Hi Diane I would advice you not to wear tank tops or mini skirts. They attract unnecessary attention from men. It would be best if you can find a saree or even better a nighty (a long house gown in plain colours or floral prints worn by Indian women) to cover your modesty.

13) Is there snow in India? - Emily

Yes Emily, you just have to open the freezer and scrape the ice- instant snow!

PS- I didn't make up any of these dumb questions. I found them on a travel website.

Parents tell me something

I have been thinking about this a lot and I want parents to give me an answer (don't worry its not something serious!). Well, last year we had some friends over. One couple had 3 kids (ages 3-5). The two boys were v. naughty they ran around the house smashing anything they could lay their hands on. Amazingly the parents didn't control (is that the word?) the kids, they just sat around watching them wreck my house. My poor husband was behind the kids the whole time. We do not have kids, my house is not kid friendly. We have wires, plugs points and cords all over the house (not kid safe), the last thing both of us wanted is one of the kid getting his finger stuck in a socket (In fact I saw the brother and sister playing with an extension cord when I stepped into the bedroom to get something). Add to our misery we live in a freaking apartment with not many kids. People living in apartments in this country will know how sound travels. Both of us were afraid that the tenants living below us would complain to the leasing office. It made no sense trying to stop these super energetic kids from playing, and seemed more wise to take them downstairs. Well that didn't happen. Why?

" If there are kids, there will be noise and people should accept it" said the Dad. I was speechless (which is v. rare). Then he proceeded to tell us how on a recent trip to India the kids were getting restless and started kicking the seats in the front. The lady who was in that seat turned around and asked the father to make the kids stop. The father told the lady, "I can't, I can't control the kids. What do you want me to do? Where can I take them?"

He then proceeded to dis that woman. Apparently she was an American and according to him, Americans have no patience. Why? Because the kids kicked an old Indian woman (God knows how many people got kicked on that flight!) and she said, "oh its ok after all they are kids". J looked at me and I looked at him. That was our only reaction!

First of all saying Americans have no patience is such BS. Patience is not something connected to race or religion. It depends on the person. I am an Indian and if my seat is being kicked constantly I would definitely ask the parents to do something. Imagine people, the journey to India is a freaking 16 hour flight with 1 stop over and 3 different time zones. You would have just finished dinner in flight # 1, hop onto the next flight and get ready to have breakfast in flight #2! Strange smells begin to emanate from fellow passengers (gag), there is nothing interesting to watch on those damn 3" TV, no trees or cars outside the window only stupid white clouds, legs slowly begin to cramp, you are no longer interested in the peanuts or orange juice (C'mon you drank 10 of those already!), you can't feel the roar of the engine or tell if the stupid thing is moving at all! I hate the journey, the only thing that keeps me sane is the thought of meeting my family (and pigging out on street food!). Being a grown up if I've issues flying I can imagine what torture it must be for kids. I can understand how tough it is to look after 3 kids and keep them entertained for 16 hours. But I believe that once you decide to become a parent, you have signed that "agreement" to be in charge of them 24/7. You cannot blame another person for your kid's discomfort and misbehavior. I am just curious what you guys think.

Do you think its fair to ask others to adjust while the kids are creating a ruckus?

How do you guys manage to keep kids entertained on long flights?

Colouring books and video games can keep kids aged 5 and above entertained, but how do you manage smaller kids?

PS- I have an extremely naughty nephew and one day he was just going bonkers. He kept pulling my dupatta and used it as a rope to hang from my neck (like Tarzan). I kept telling him to stop it (in my nicest voice) he didn't stop. I had to smack him :| And his mom (God knows where she was all this time) came in and saw her son crying. She instead of telling him it was wrong to misbehave started to dis me (Hello!!??? are you blind?) one thing she said was, "You guys will know only when you have kids." WTF!!! I have managed to keep away from her and her son from that time onwards!!

Temporarily out of service

Don't you just love professors? They drop you from the summery heaven of food, fun and laughter into a dank, dingy black hole filled with stagnant water called reality in just 5 mins. Here is how mine achieved that.

10 am meeting Monday August 10th 2009

"Last date for submitting the thesis to the Dean is Nov 6th. So you have to defend by Oct. The committee needs atleast 3 weeks to read your thesis, which means you have to hand in the thesis to us by Oct 2nd week. You need to have all your data by the end of Sept, then you can start on the 1st draft and have everything ready by Oct 1st week. Just email me a list of all the sequences you have done so far, we can start the data analysis next week."

11 am priority check in the train

Skip cooking experiments - no way

Skip reading blogs - no way

Skip knitting/ crochet - hell no!

Skip looking after husband - want to, but can't

Skip doing laundry - would love to, but I've a limited number of undies

Skip thesis defense and get lynched by professor - gulp, no

Skip writing nonsensical posts - don't want to but I HAVE to

People, Masala Vade is closing shop till Nov. I will continue urinating in your blogs but will refrain from doing the same in my place. This will give your injured brains (in case any of you did sustain injuries reading my posts) a chance to recoup.

Till then, as Ina Garten says, "Don't have fun without me".

Ciao!

Jai Karnataka!

Dear Dr. Vatal Nagraj,

I was very happy to learn that you and other esteemed colleagues in the Kannada Gadi Horata Samiti have called for a bandh in Karnataka on August 9th. Unveiling Thiruvalluvar's statue is indeed a big offense. Tamil Nadu does not have statues of Karnataka poets so why should we allow the unveiling of a Tamil poet? I am not sure which dimwit high court judge dismissed your plea against the unveiling. These people do not understand that statues are the first step towards converting a state i.e., initially they will want to erect a statue, then they will request for all sign boards to be written in Tamil, their Nalli's and Kumaran stores will invade Karnataka and eventually Karnataka will turn into a mini Tamil Nadu. We have to take precautions to avoid all these nasty so called 'sister' states from invading our territory. In addition to the bandh I also have some other plans to save our Karnataka from being swallowed whole by other states. These include,

1) Ban Tamil, Hindi, Malayalam, Telugu and other non-Kannada movies from being screened in Karnataka. That way people from other states will be forced to learn Kannada if they wish to watch a movie. This will also teach those Imax theatre people a lesson for charging 150 Rps for a stupid Amir Khan Faana movie and just 80 Rps for a Shivrajkumar movie.

2) The medium of instruction in all schools and colleges must be changed from English to Kannada. This way we can protect our Kannada language from disappearing. This move will also prevent IISc from employing those pesky bespectacled Bengali babus in mass quantities. Who cares if they have degrees from IIT or BITS Pilani, if they can't speak and write Kannada they don't deserve to be in Karnataka.

3) All IT company employees must take the "Kannada Gotha?" (do you know Kannada) test. They should be employed only if they score 65% in the test. All conference calls and meetings should be done only in Kannada. Americans and other firangs need to step out of their English shoes and get into the Kannada chappali. One way this can be achieved is by rewriting all the computer codes like HTML, CAS etc. in Kannada, forcing everyone to learn Kannada.

4) I have noticed that the perpetually wet hair-coconut oil smelling Malayalis are invading our Karnaraka at an alarming rate. I am afraid that they will declare puttu- kadala as the official food of Karnataka. I suggest we build a 35 foot high wall between the Karnataka-Kerala border and open a small Shabarimala and Guruvayur in Nandi hills. This way we can prevent our devout Kannadigas from visiting that coconut oil state and the mallu kuttis from invading our Karnataka.

5) People from the land of gongura and pappulu podi have taken over our mess business. Every bachelor wants to visit the Andhra mess for lunch. We cannot be overtaken by these spice fanatics. We can dig a trench 30 foot deep and 45 foot wide between the Karnataka and Andhra border and fill it with our own precious Cauvery water. For recreational purposes boating and other water activities can be held at the site. This way we garner not only revenue but also let those Telangana people know who is the real boss.

6) We cannot build this water filled trench between Tamil Nadu and Karnataka, I am afraid those thieving thayir-sadams will install a pipe in the trench and siphon away our precious Cauvery water. We need to build iron gates as tall as the Great Wall of China and open them once a year during Deepavali. This will give the Tamilians residing in peaceful Karnataka a chance to visit T. nagar and Ranganathan street to horde silk sarees.

7) All things chaats and poori-bhaaji is due to those irritating Hindi speaking people who come to Karnataka via Bombay. We need to employ Tamilian and Telugu soldiers to man our Bombay (or whole of North India)- Karnataka borders. If terrorists plan to sneak into Karnataka, these soldiers will defend us. Through this move, we not only give people from other states a job (how generous of Karnataka) but also save our dashing Kannadiga men from being killed in an attack (how thoughtful of Karnataka). This will also prevent Udit Narayan from crossing the border and lending his God awful nasal voice and sickening pronunciation to Kannada film songs.

8) We must replace Jana Gana Mana with Jai Karnataka and make Kannada the official language. We need to have a separate prime minister (a Kannada speaking one at that) and president (again a shudh Kannadiga) for the state of Karnataka.

I know that I should have written this letter in our beloved Kannada, but I have many readers who come from these 'sister' states. They need to know what a great visionary you are and the steps we Kannadigas are willing to take to protect our beloved Karnataka. They need to know that we Kannadigas do not care about disrupting normal life for a statue, we are not bothered that we are a part of one country called India, we do not care about the success we achieve being united, we could care less about failed crops in other states because of us not sharing Cauvery water. Life is too short to be wasted on such petty things like sharing water or being united. If we have to make Karnataka the number one country, I mean state, we need to put our time, energy and money in note worthy causes like bandhs and strikes.

Dr. Nagraj, you are truly an inspiration to youths and Kannadigas like me. I pray to the great Kannada Maathe to give us more people just like you. On August 9th I will be there burning tires and stoning buses all in the name of Kannada.

Jai Karnataka!

Yours sincerely,

SJ

Why I need a bigger house, reason # 49:

Because not all projects are compact like this one,

Some do end up taking 3/4 of the living room space:

Huh? What? I am a show off? When did I ever deny that?!

so NOT funny!

In order to compensate (yeah compensate) for the loss of their still born baby, Kate and John decide to adopt a child *why why? you have 2 kids already! Get a dog or cat!* They are attracted to a little girl *who is sitting all by herself when the other kids are having a riot downstairs* who is busy painting *like not 9yr old painting ok? It looks like some Picassa painting*. This little girl, *more like little creep* Esther *or freako* is adopted by Kate and John *or crackpots of the century* and they take her home.

Soon, weird things start to happen and Kate suspects Esther *freako* is not as angelic as she looks *Kate, what was I yelling at you?*. The headmistress gets murdered *reason why headmistress should not interfere in matters outside school* and Esther *freako* enlists the help of her sister Max who is deaf & dumb *poor child is just a sweetheart* to dispose the body. When Max's brother, Daniel suspects something is wrong, Esther *freako* threatens to cut off his penis *promise this is what she said* if he told his parents anything.

Then Esther *freako* ______ Daniel and he gets admitted in the hospital. Not satisfied with that Esther *freako* _______, leading Kate to slap Esther *freako*. John being the prototype of stupid men does not listen to his wife *MEN LISTEN TO THE WOMEN! THEY ARE BORN WITH SOMETHING EXTRA OKAY???* and suspects there is nothing wrong with Esther *freako* and leaves Kate at the hospital and takes Esther *freako* and Max *sweetypie* home *John, you rotten egg, you are going to pay for this*.

Esther being the freako that she is, dresses up like a _______ and tries to _______ John *holy fck!* Meanwhile Kate gets a call from the orphanage that Esther *freako* is not a child but a ________ *yeah Kate you mega tubelight? Did your bulb light up now?!!* She rushes home to save Max and John. But, she finds John lying in a pool of _________ *John, John, John, I hate to do this to you but, "I told u so I told u so na..na..na..I told u so!" you male chauvinistic pig, in your next avatar listen to your woman ok?*. Esther *freako* is now in her true avatar and is going around the house with a _______ searching for Max. Kate manages to save Max in the end *I have purposefully left out details of how she saves Max*.

So I come out of the theatre after watching this movie (its called Orphan, in case any of you are interested) with a severe headache, because of improper breathing (read: forgot to breathe in many scenes, overdose of oxygen due to excessive gasping in other scenes). Had a realllly bad sleep that night because I kept imagining Esther coming out from underneath my bed with a jack hammer! I got to my lab the next morning and went upstairs to another room to get ice. I opened the door and had a near death experience, when I saw :

staring at me!!

Zulfi, is usually kept the far end of the room. I am guessing the cleaners smoked pot the previous day and in their semi-conscious state decided to make Zulfie the official lab receptionist. Zulfie is pretty ok, just few teeth missing,

But he did scare the shit out of me that day.

Once upon a time...

cute little girl: Neen meen yellam sapidvya? (do you eat fish and all?)

maid: aama maa.. (yes)

cute little girl: koli? (chicken)

maid: aama(yes)

cute little girl: maadu? (cow)

maid: aama sapudvom (yes we eat)

cute little girl: aioo cow-oda kombu unoda vayathe kuthada? (oh no! won't the cow's horn poke your stomach?)

maid: !!!

Ahem...no prizes for guessing who that cute little girl was.

PS- This post was done because my brain is on strike; refuses to think funny. Any remedies?

A poem

School...is not cool

A poem by SJ

She is ready thought my parents to be sent to school,

But but...I am only four.

Nasty boys stole my eraser,

So, I hurt them with my razor.

They showed their stinky teeth,

inturn I spat on their homework sheet.

School...is not cool.

The Math, History and Chemistry,

have always been such a mystery,

And getting a zero only increased my sorrow.

School...is not cool.

School is such a big bore thought I,

okay then, lets all go to Singapore said Dad.

With a 100 watt smile, I said Good riddance school,

my parents are super cool!

Oh! how wrong I was; they put me in a hell-hole called Keppel school,

I felt like hitting my head with a Bata chappal, it was so uncool.

School...is not cool.

Then came BSc in St. Josephs',

life was definitely not a bed of roses.

I met Mrinalini and Hemamalini,

but my best friend was only Shalini.

I was so sore after my BSc,

but still went to Mysore for my Msc.

School...is not cool.

Stinky toilets and a kleptomaniac roomie,

hostel life was certainly not comfy.

Sago payasam very nice, said the hostel cook,

Bhago jaldi, said the other girls this is total yuck.

School...is not cool.

A life partner should save me from this torture,

Amma find me a husband with Hugh Grant's feature,

anyone but a teacher.

She found this guy, Jay who was a manager.

Oh honey, let us just be gay said I,

Sorry babes, your school starts in May said he.

School...is not cool.

I can't work you see, I am an H4 said my application,

Not to worry missy, you get total tuition remission said Dr. C.

I longed for Rekha and Ranjani,

but got only Karen and Bethany.

School...is not cool.

Can I graduate this summer and have a ball, Dr. C?

Sorry for the bummer but you have to wait till fall, you see.

School...is not cool

Even with all this school, I am still pathetic,

sitting at home Aparna is exceptionally poetic.

School...is not cool.

Those of who think SJ should never attempt poetry and should get herself admitted in an asylum,watch this video.

WATCH IT:

If you are still alive leave a comment!!!

Do you cry?

When I was in my 8th standard I remember my friend telling me how her mom had tears in her eyes and goose bumps all over when she was watching the movie 'Roja', especially the scene where the villain sets the Indian flag on fire and Arvind Swamy tries to extinguish it using his own body and his over sized red sweater. "What rot! Its just a movie people!!" I remember saying to myself. Another day, there was some Nagin- type movie on TV and our maid who was chatting with my mom suddenly fell in front of the TV and did sashtanga namaskaram, saying "devare kapadu nanna" (God please save me) (Nagin and God? I don't get it *scratch head*). I almost had a mini-heart attack when I saw her reverence to that gaudily dressed Nagin (whose tongue seemed to have a life of its own)!

Then yesterday, we were watching 'Marley and me', its a story about a couple who get a horribly unruly puppy and as years go by, they have 3 kids, 1 miscarriage, petty fights, job change, house change, state change and the puppy also grows into this huge dog. Then the dog has to be put to sleep because of a twisted stomach and the hero tells the dog even though he chewed up his sofa, swallowed his answering machine, ate his phone, ripped the carpet and floor, tore the blinds and made the house look like it was burgled he still was the best dog ever.

"Aiioooo entha peetil" (oh no! what a blade) said J
"Hmmm..." said I, trying so very hard not to cry. But when the dog closed his eyes slowly, Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati came flooding. J didn't believe I was crying, he made sure the river flowing from my eyes was salty and indeed tears before proceeding to console me. Now if your thinking I have gone soft in the head, think again. I didn't shed a tear when my fishes died. I felt extremely sad, but no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes, I couldn't produce even 1 tear! Well, obviously there is a lot of difference between a dog (super cute, does tricks, knows your feelings, plays with you, always there for you) and a fish (super dumb, swim, eat, poop) but still...oh I don't know!

Anyway, lesson learnt: Never watch a dog movie in which the dog dies or get hurts.
So do you cry when you watch movies?
Oh c'mon tell me the truth I won't tell anyone, Taliban-promise.

Do you want to be a queen?

All that H4/homemaker post got me thinking, how did an Indian/Egyptian queen pass her time? I think like this:

9am: wake up

9.30am: drink herbal tea in a gold cup served by a maiden and eat hot fluffy poori with spicy chole

10am: dip into a marble king-sized tub, filled with lukewarm water, rose petals and rose essence.

10.30am: allow 5 fair maidens to scrub back and give a sponge bath

11am: allow a muscular hunk to give a foot massage

11.30 to 12.30pm: choose a dress

12.30pm: allow the fair maidens to fit you in that dress and apply gaudy make up. All this while giggling mindlessly

1.15pm: show off the gaudy make up to your king. Well, it's more of a fight because the queen has to fight with his other 5 queens who all want to show off their gaudy make-ups.

1.45pm: lunch of chicken tikka masala, dal chawal ,roti, kheer, pickles, curds, paneer makhani, tandoori gobi, garlic naan, maggi noodles.

2.30pm: try very hard to take a nap because it's just too hot. There is no fan/AC and those maidens who fan using those useless feathers are just hopeless (plus you can't increase their speed).

3 pm: drink herbal tea and do useless chit chat with the other queens and concubines. Show off the latest fashion accessories.

4pm : get ready to attend the king's 6th wedding

5pm : pretend to be happy seeing the king's 6th wife

6pm-7pm: gather around with the other 5 wives and bitch about the 6th wife. Pray that she never bears a son.

7pm: enjoy or atleast pretend to enjoy a bull-fight

8pm: dinner time, again vie with the other wives to get the king's attention (very slim chance as today he has eyes only for the 6th one). Enjoy the fried rice, rajma, bhaingan bhaja, masala vadas, bisibelabath, holige, chom-chom, ragullas, luchi, alu dom, panner tikkas, kadai paneer, rose milk, vanilla ice cream with fruit salad etc etc...

9pm : play cards with the bimbo sahelis. Yell at the lady to fan harder.

10 pm: pray hard that the king chooses to visit your room tonight and pray harder that you bear him a son.

Do I want to be a queen? Hmm...except for that foot massage, bath and food being a queen sucks big time. So I shall pass. What about you?

Ok, I lied. The inspiration for this post was this song,

WTFs with some psycho-analysis throw in

- This is a rant (oh no not again, let me run)

- It involves some psycho-analysis by Dr. SJ (okay, just a quick glance)

- It is feminist- friendly (Ok, maybe will allot 5 mins to this post)

- It's not for people who love Ramayana and Mahabaratha - oh! I see that you have moved to the next line already.

Rant starts:

22nd June 2009 TOI reported that a woman in Delhi was molested by 4 men, because she objected to her being treated like an object, the men slashed her face with a knife and then robbed her. Apparently she was in a bus when this happened. Now, why did this happen to a lady and not to another man (not that I want this to happen to anybody)? I wondered about it for 20 mins and did a quick psycho-analysis and concluded that Ramayana and Mahabaratha is to blame. Why?

Well, you guys must know the story of how Ravana abducted Sita and after what seemed like eternity, Rama with the aid of Hanuman & co. rescued Sita. As if all this was not enough, Rama made Sita walk on fire to prove her purity. Which she did (WTF#1). So why wasn't Rama expected to undergo a agni-pariksha? He also stayed away from Sita for so long. He might have had a jolly time with a few dainty damsels in the forest, who knows. So why the partial treatment? And no, I don't feel sorry for Sita, she should have made Rama walk on fire instead of being so pathi-vratha and doing all the things her swamy demanded (and inturn making me fume).

Next, I am sure you are aware of the gambling that went on between the Pandavas and Kauravas. Well, I was talking about this with my mil and she said, "those pandavas had no right to pawn their wife and they sat with head bowed down even when she was begging them to help her, che". (Okay people this is not coming from any 18 year old hot-headed teenager, it comes from a 60 yr old lady who has seen and done all). What she said was true. That Draupadi had not 1 but 5 husbands, and not one of them even came to rescue her when crazy Duryodana was tugging her well oiled hair and tearing her expensive zaari sari. Shame shame. And yes, I don't feel sorry for her also, because after that incident instead of issuing them with a divorce order she continued living with them happily ever after (WTF#2). And who can forget the famous Mrs. Gandhari. D who blindfolds herself to give moral support (WTF#3) to her husband Dhritarashtra, who was born blind. I wonder if he would have done the same?

All these stories only seem to imply that men are superior and women should ALWAYS bow down, cover her face, listen obediently and do as the man says. If not she will have her face slashed, her boobs pressed, her butt pinched, her sari torn, acid thrown and finally robbed/burnt.

When I was in my 5th std, I had to learn Ramayana and Mahabaratha as part of our History lessons (WTF#4). I am not sure if this has been discontinued. If not, I would advice them (whoever is in charge of framing the syllabus) to remove those stories because it not only seems to teach wrong things but also the spellings of these characters give the students a headache. Because, the names are so twisted with 2 'r', 4 's', 2 't' yabaaaa...SO damn hard to memorize (3 beatings from my Mom, 2 hours of mugging, 1 stern look from my Dad and I still got 0.5 mark cut for missing an 'r' in one of these character's name- WTF#5).

This rant might give my grandmom a mini-attack. Do I look like I give a damn?

The post that was responsible for my rant: http://summerspeaksat.blogspot.com/2009/06/girls-and-women-stay-home-where-you.html
Oh yes, if you do find mistakes in the spellings of these characters, blame Wikipedia.

Rant ends.