Friday, November 6, 2009

Parents tell me something

I have been thinking about this a lot and I want parents to give me an answer (don't worry its not something serious!). Well, last year we had some friends over. One couple had 3 kids (ages 3-5). The two boys were v. naughty they ran around the house smashing anything they could lay their hands on. Amazingly the parents didn't control (is that the word?) the kids, they just sat around watching them wreck my house. My poor husband was behind the kids the whole time. We do not have kids, my house is not kid friendly. We have wires, plugs points and cords all over the house (not kid safe), the last thing both of us wanted is one of the kid getting his finger stuck in a socket (In fact I saw the brother and sister playing with an extension cord when I stepped into the bedroom to get something). Add to our misery we live in a freaking apartment with not many kids. People living in apartments in this country will know how sound travels. Both of us were afraid that the tenants living below us would complain to the leasing office. It made no sense trying to stop these super energetic kids from playing, and seemed more wise to take them downstairs. Well that didn't happen. Why?
" If there are kids, there will be noise and people should accept it" said the Dad. I was speechless (which is v. rare). Then he proceeded to tell us how on a recent trip to India the kids were getting restless and started kicking the seats in the front. The lady who was in that seat turned around and asked the father to make the kids stop. The father told the lady, "I can't, I can't control the kids. What do you want me to do? Where can I take them?"
He then proceeded to dis that woman. Apparently she was an American and according to him, Americans have no patience. Why? Because the kids kicked an old Indian woman (God knows how many people got kicked on that flight!) and she said, "oh its ok after all they are kids". J looked at me and I looked at him. That was our only reaction!

First of all saying Americans have no patience is such BS. Patience is not something connected to race or religion. It depends on the person. I am an Indian and if my seat is being kicked constantly I would definitely ask the parents to do something. Imagine people, the journey to India is a freaking 16 hour flight with 1 stop over and 3 different time zones. You would have just finished dinner in flight # 1, hop onto the next flight and get ready to have breakfast in flight #2! Strange smells begin to emanate from fellow passengers (gag), there is nothing interesting to watch on those damn 3" TV, no trees or cars outside the window only stupid white clouds, legs slowly begin to cramp, you are no longer interested in the peanuts or orange juice (C'mon you drank 10 of those already!), you can't feel the roar of the engine or tell if the stupid thing is moving at all! I hate the journey, the only thing that keeps me sane is the thought of meeting my family (and pigging out on street food!). Being a grown up if I've issues flying I can imagine what torture it must be for kids. I can understand how tough it is to look after 3 kids and keep them entertained for 16 hours. But I believe that once you decide to become a parent, you have signed that "agreement" to be in charge of them 24/7. You cannot blame another person for your kid's discomfort and misbehavior. I am just curious what you guys think.

Do you think its fair to ask others to adjust while the kids are creating a ruckus?
How do you guys manage to keep kids entertained on long flights?
Colouring books and video games can keep kids aged 5 and above entertained, but how do you manage smaller kids?

PS- I have an extremely naughty nephew and one day he was just going bonkers. He kept pulling my dupatta and used it as a rope to hang from my neck (like Tarzan). I kept telling him to stop it (in my nicest voice) he didn't stop. I had to smack him :| And his mom (God knows where she was all this time) came in and saw her son crying. She instead of telling him it was wrong to misbehave started to dis me (Hello!!??? are you blind?) one thing she said was, "You guys will know only when you have kids." WTF!!! I have managed to keep away from her and her son from that time onwards!!

25 comments:

  1. I'm blacklisted among a lot of acquaintances coz I find it impossible to keep my mouth shut when a child is misbehaving,, especially when his parents are doing nothing about it. I don't think you can blame the kids when they have parents who are so uncaring and irresponsible. Bugs the hell out of me and I've picked up a lot of fights along the way.

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  2. Poornima, I added my PS note after reading your comment. After this disagreement with my cousin, I keep away from kids who misbehave- like I just say Hi thats it, I make no effort to interact with the kid. I don't want to hear "You will know when you have kids" dialogue again!!

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  3. SJ, I am a parent and I think it is the responsibility of a parent to handle their children. Period. By that I mean, ensure that the child does not go around breaking stuff or misbehaving in any fashion. How can someone say that he cannot 'control his kids'! He has let them run crazy - which is why he is in such a situation now!

    You know, if I tell Poohi not to do something, she listens - because she knows that I mean it and not listening means asking for trouble. We know a couple whose daughter insists on cutting the birthday cake in every person's birthday. She cries, screams and once bit her mother - a nearly 4 yr old! And they indulge her every time! SO she never understands that she is misbehaving. Similarly, there are some parents who tell their children to behave in a very half hearted manner and the kids ignore - happily! I just don't understand that! I get really irritated when I come across badly behaved kids!

    As for how to keep a child entertained.. I somehow manage - I have travelled record amounts after having Poohi - but somehow, she is easy to entertain.. reading a couple of stories, showing her the seat bealt sign, showing her clouds,colouring.. somehow it is not a huge problem - so far. When she was very young - 6-7months old - I had to travel alone a couple of times - that was difficult - esp going to the loo - I was uncomfortable leaving her alone in the basinet and stuff - other wise it is manageable.. And if she kins the seat in front of her, I would tell her not to do it and explain that it hurts the person in front.. That was a looong comment, SJ! Badly behaved kids just show that their parents don't handle them properly..

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  4. I have noticed this too. If you go to any restaurants and look around you will see that all the Indian kids are playing with the food, playing with the cutlery, making mess all over and parents are just enjoying dinner as if nothing is wrong. I just get mad. Hello! I am here to enjoy quiet meal with my family and friends have some courtesy! On the other hand you see 90% of the non Indian kids in the same age group are behaving nicely!

    I have sat though a flight with 2 misbehaving kids and i now how torturous it is.

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  5. Smiths I think being a parent is not an easy job, you need to have truckloads of patience. I can't go around giving my gyaan on how to handle kids, the 1st thing they ask me is-what do you know about raising a kid? If a kid is misbehaving nobody likes to invite them home. I am ok with running around and playing but drawing on my sofa and dining table with crayons, hitting my fish tank, pulling my muffins pans are some of the things I WILL NOT tolerate! *"badly behaved kids just show that their parents don't handle them properly."* 100% correct.

    If you stare at them they stare back at you! Have you noticed that MInts!? Its like asking "What? they are kids ok? You have a problem?" I feel some Indian parents don't know how to keep their kids busy. Like get a colouring book or some toy and keep them busy while waiting for your food. If there is discipline at home, kids will behave when they go out as well.

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  6. My kids do not really misbehave and I have rarely experienced such rowdy behaviour from them, When they were small they did have a lot of energy and they needed to vent it.We in that case took them to outdoors rather than to somebody's house.When we wanted people around us, we called them over. Kids tend to behave normally in a familiar environment.They feel excited when they go to a new place and simply go mad at times.
    Once while we were going to US, Ishita decided to constantly go up and down the escalator. After a while she decided to just roll on the floor. This happened in our stop over ( 6 hours) at Vienna aiport. She was 5. White kids her age were silent and sat still next to their moms. Every time we tried to control her, she would throw a fit. We decided to let her run as stopping her would have resulted in a temper tantrum in a foreign place and we did not want to be embarrassed. She did not really harm herself or anybody else with her behaviour that day...but we still remember her going berserk even after so many years.
    My kids have been travelling from age 1 and they have so far never misbehaved in flights.(Thank God )Both of them love books and puzzles and colouring so I travel with a huge bag full of stuff just to keep them entertained. The contents of the bag are a surprise to them which they see only once the flight takes off. The element of surprise keeps them quiet for some hours.( I keep taking out things one by one)Both of them love travelling and observing people so, no problem as yet...and now they are grown up anyway.
    As new parents we made the mistake of taking Ishita to fancy restaurants where she kept throwing cutlery to the floor or worse still, disappeared under the table or went over to the next table to stare. We soon learned our mistakes ( after maybe 3 outings)and stopped going out to eat. Occasionally when we felt like eating outside,we went to McDonalds where there were more such kids like her and all the parents were jointly embarrassed by the kids' abominable behaviour...sort of created a bond! The staff are also trained to handle such kids in these places.
    Do not judge the parents too harshly, they are also learning every day. They just need to know that giving in to tantrums every time create more serious problems later. Probably they need to talk to experienced parents on these issues. In my life's limited experience, I have also seen that these energetic and unruly kids turn out rather fine.It is those silent, unsocial and quiet types who later turn out to be maniacs later in life.
    Was this a comment or a blog post? I'd better stop. I think I beat Sakshi's 3 para comment this time.

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  7. Dunno ur descriptions makes it sound as if kids dont just listen.. they do...

    I m a father of a 5 year old.. and over a period of time we all know how to behave with them and make them behave....

    I mean yea sometimes they have their tantrums... but still I have had lots of journeys with my son.. not in plane but in trains and buses.. some over 12 hours.. but we never had such an experience.. touchwood !!

    I do not believe in raising a hand.. as that means as a parent I lost patience.. !!

    and kids are definitely Parents look out.. not anyone else'... !!

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  8. oooh!!
    many a times we have been tortured by such guests...parents come all dressed up n sit as if their clothes will get dirty if they tend to the children n the children ransack your house including the dustbin...i tell you..ha ha..

    it's not the child who is to be blamed ( i know you don't blame the child), but the parents of such children always say that it's 'this' child who cannot be controlled ......actual issue is...if the parents are insensitive, how the child will learn to be sensitive n sensible....children always ape what we do as parents....only those 'grown up' parents behave nicely while socializing ( at home they may be mirror image of their children though) while the child doesn't understand when she/he has to be nice with people........
    parenting is definitely a 24/7 responsibility and this issue is far more serious than it seems to be....

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  9. Going up and down in an elevator or rolling on the floor doesn't seem to harm anyone. I was just appalled when he said he didn't do anything about the kids bugging the fellow passengers! Not all white kids are sane I have seen some crazy ones, but a majority of them seem well behaved. "Do not judge the parents too harshly, they are also learning every day. They just need to know that giving in to tantrums every time create more serious problems later." I am not judging them, I just find it funny that they seem to be in denial that they have naughty kids and shrug their shoulders and say- I can't handle them! Its your kid for Gods' sake! "I have also seen that these energetic and unruly kids turn out rather fine.It is those silent, unsocial and quiet types who later turn out to be maniacs later in life." OMG!! J has said the same thing so many times to me!!!! No your comment made a lot of sense, I love the travel idea and inviting people over instead of you going. But I feel girls are definitely easier to manage than boys. No? Any parent with a son (Sakshi's son is an exception, the kid is definitely well behaved).

    Hitchy I was talking specifically about those kids ohhh after spending 3 days with them let me tell you- the DO NOT listen. Only because they are not disciplined at home so there is no chance they are going sane on outings."kids are definitely Parents look out.. not anyone else'." Most parents don't seem to realize this.

    I am not blaming the child Sangeeta, I am just annoyed at the parents who can sit aaramse on the sofa and watch their kids going berserk in someone else's place. ".if the parents are insensitive, how the child will learn to be sensitive n sensible." true.

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  10. I have a hyper active soon-to-be 4 year old boy and I know its not easy to bring them up and teach them all you would like them to know, but bad behaviour is simply not acceptable...they are kids, they need space, get bored easily, all said and done, parents should teach them how to behave, at home and outside...you cannot have separate rules, kids do not understand that...plug points, wires, balcony railings, kicking, biting all are a strict no-no, and if you ensure that from day one, they learn, its no big deal...I have quite a few ceramic pots and glass stuff at home, not exactly kid friendly stuff, but they remained after I had him too and he just knew he was not supposed to touch them...havent done long flights, but even for a two hour flight, i am armed with activity books, story books, colouring sheets, his cars, everything, so that we have enough to keep himself occupied..Someone I know has a son slightly older than mine and he has never been told what is allowed and what isn't...at a restaurant once, he went and bit someone - that is ridiculous behaviour, but the parents just laughed at it !! Parents are totally responsible for their kids' behaviour especially at the ages you've mentioned

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  11. Aparna you definitely beat me black and blue at my own game this time. But am happy coz you saved some paras which I would have added any ways to my comment :)

    SJ I totally agree with you about parents who say "we cannot control them"!! I truly understand when you said about people living below you in apartments. While looking for a flat we were quiet clear about two things 1. we will take only ground floor ones, as being an active 5 year old I didn't want my son to sit on a couch watching TV the whole day and for his exercise I didn't want to contribute to the severe headaches fellow residents would have. 2. I wanted a big kitchen even though bathroom can be small for personal pleasures :)

    Like you know we have been travelling with Samy since he was a few days old and you have already had first class experience on how he can be entertained...sigh!! unfortunately he can talk for hours and as long as we show a little interest to what he is saying and sometimes answer back..he behaves well on a journey. Kick the people in front? OMG I would have whacked his legs for sure. I believe in whacking your kid once in a while to show who is in control here (like on the butt or legs...no serious thrashing I swear) and all was fine till he started going to school where they taught that even a small friendly pat on his back entitles him to call 911. Once he was running crazy in a store looking at toys and I was finding it hard to pick up things I came for and leave. I told him I will whack him if he won't jump into the cart and he said Na you can't as the store ppl might call 911 and I whispered fiercely (with a smile for those damn cameras all around) into his ear that I will take him to the ladies loo and whack him there. Well he sat throughout my shopping reading a book in the cart :)

    we were like Aparna...didn't go to restaurants for years till he grew up and understood that restaurant is a place to eat and not where people at the next table were like your friendly neighbours. We are still learning how to handle him and in turn he is learning how to adjust to his parents and I am keeping my fingers crossed all the time!!!

    In the end it's all about telling your child what is wrong and what is right....breaking other people's stuff or even your stuff is definitely a wrong and kicking people (I still can't believe those parents didn't stop their kid) where as running around can be a privilege they can exercise in an open space or at home with a little caution.

    There Aparna your 3 para plus mine....heee

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  12. Kids below the age of 5 don't follow and understand what u say but it is the responsibility of the parents to tell them what is wrong and what is not,then only they will know good and bad.Leaving them and telling that we can't control them is stupidity.
    If something happens to the child then who is responsible? the host of the house or the parents?
    I travelled only once with my 2nd kid and she slept the whole journey of 3 hours in the flight,now i am scared to travel with her.
    My 1st kid is 5+ and she doesn't touch anything when we visit friends house but my kid 2 is 2 1/2 and she tries to take out the things but i am always behind her telling not to touch and diverting her by showing tv or playing with her.

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  13. Kids below the age of 5 don't follow and understand what u say but it is the responsibility of the parents to tell them what is wrong and what is not,then only they will know good and bad.Leaving them and telling that we can't control them is stupidity.
    If something happens to the child then who is responsible? the host of the house or the parents?
    I travelled only once with my 2nd kid and she slept the whole journey of 3 hours in the flight,now i am scared to travel with her.
    My 1st kid is 5+ and she doesn't touch anything when we visit friends house but my kid 2 is 2 1/2 and she tries to take out the things but i am always behind her telling not to touch and diverting her by showing tv or playing with her.

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  14. The answer to your first q is NO. Absolutely not.
    A child's behaviour is a reflection of how he/she is being brought up by the parents. They are behaving in a certain way(good or bad) because they are being encouraged to do so by their parents.

    R & I have never had any problems while travelling with Namnam. She has always been a sweetheart while in flight or otherwise.When we go out she knows her rules and she sticks to them.'cos she knows she may have to a heavy price otherwise,even if it means foregoing her chocolate or her favorite toy or things like that simply her mom & dad not talking to her.That does have the desired effect. And thats the key I think.we,as parents need to draw some boundaries for our children if we want to ensure they grow up well mannered with everyone.Its entirely in our hands. So when I hear parents saying they cant control their child I find it ridiculous.'cos then its not the child but the parents who need some controlling.

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  15. Nope I'm not done yet(dont make that face now,I can see) :P !
    I have to answer your 2nd q,right?

    Like I said Namnam has never given me prblms while travelling.In fact she loves to travel.The longest flight journey we took with her was when to Malaysia,which was a good 8hr flight.And she loved it :D ! She was a year old then.I had taken her rattles and soothers and the airline had gifted some toys to her too.so she was quite happy and hassle free.
    And now too,when we go to India which is 4hrs away,she keeps herself entertained by watching TV or yapping away with me :D .Of late I've started keeping one or two of story books too so that in case she feels like listening to a story I can read it to her.

    So there you,you can actually club my two comments and rename it as a comment-post :P

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  16. they say that what a woman eats when she is pregnant contributes to the "energy levels" of the kids. that's seriously scary.

    funnily, we have always had super well behaved kids on our family, especially my sister's kids. they were darlings when they were young and made very little fuss. i seriously don't know how i'd react if and when i have a kid like that. if my mom's parenting style is something i'd adopt, then i am going to be one strict mother!

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  17. kids whoops they are like a bunch of crackers on fire well mostly cartoons work or sweets for that matter, all you gotta do is make them do things they dont wanna do, but wanna do somehow, confusing i know, but i know you will figure it out :), good luck


    take care and keep writing.........

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  18. seen this too many times..but heres my take..even if my wife thinks iam too damn indulgent...the buck stops if my kids' misbehaviour is effecting other people...its totally the responsibilty of the parent..

    I mean i have no problem having them run arnd in a park round and round like some demented puppies..infact i encourage it...that way they hit the sack faster :)...

    in the flight since wife has taught them the beauty of story telling, she finds ways to keep them occupied...i normally engage them in some conversation, which always become pretty enlightening to me....when everything loses lustre i make them put on the headphone and go braindead on some crappy movie on board, or shove that gameboy into their hands with the sound turned off...

    but it they start kicking seats or jumping arnd...its smack time...and if some wise old coot tries to stop me, i will smack them too

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  19. you are going to end up being a mom like me, I just smack my boy or any boy/girl silly at even the slightest hint of mis behaviour, the "making big eyes" thing doesnt work anymore the way it worked with us, i just cant keep making them bigger, they will pop out eventually no? so all i do is whack the shit out of him, if he mis behaves, he just gets the picture. The thing is to chanelise the energy, in whatever way, make hi run 10 blocks everyday, or make him do yoga, just calm that mind is my motto. On long flights my kids do not get rowdy, but every 5 minutes thety say the word "BORE" which is so irritating that I slap them anyhow, imagine being woken up after you managed to fall asleep on a never ending flight, just to be told"mamma I am getting bored!!" SJ just practse whacking, it will be easy when you have a kid!!

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  20. Oyi!I had left 2 monster comments here...cant find them :(

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  21. '"making big eyes" thing doesnt work anymore the way it worked with us, i just cant keep making them bigger, they will pop out eventually no?'-LOL,Sujata..that was classic!!

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  22. LOL @ Sakshi and 911 :D I wouldn't be surprised if Saman does it one day.

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  23. I have memories of my mom giving away my toys to these spoilt brats. My mom is generous to a fault and I always ended up one toy poorer after a so-called social visit by one of their friends. * Shudder *

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  24. My fav topic!! I was fuming after reading the comments of that father who thinks kids just behave like that...NO THEY DON'T! First of all, not all boys are hyper, I have one who has been an angel to this day and he is 14 now!!! I have travelled to India alone with him 7 times before he turned 11 and I have travelled extensively elsewhere frequently. He has never misbehaved on the plane or off the plane. He has never broken his own stuff nor some one else's. He knows how to have fun the right way. I was a strict mom who set rules and expected him to follow, I still do the same now that he is a teenager. He knows I love him to death but I also mean business! So, saying "kids are kids" and letting them get away with their behaviour is pathetic. Set their expectations to be different and you will get better behaviour. Otherwise, we can make excuses for their bad behaviour at any age and let them think it's ok. I just want to emphasize that not all Indian kids are bad (although I have seen more of them yell at the top of their lungs in public) and certainly not all boys are hyper and destructive. Oh, and quit giving sugar/candy/coke and all that crap to kids, that is unhealthy for them and it makes them hyper and act out.

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  25. @Sujatha..
    Are you kidding??????Slapping them silly may solve your problems in the present,but,Girl,You are setting your children up for a lifetime of emotional problems...I have seen this happen in my family circle..and unfortunately the parents and their disciplining techniques get blamed for every little mishap in the child's later life,even if the parents had the childrens' best interests in mind.It is common knowledge that little kids misbehave because they don't understand the limits..So it escapes my understanding how hitting them to control their (mis)behaviour will show them what is right and wrong..IMHO

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