A movie review

Raavan- A cure for insomniacs

Actor : Character -- Role
Abhishek : Bheera--bandit
Aishwarya : Ragini--annoying wife of Vikram
Vikram : Droooooooll--police officer or SP or DGP or something droollll
Govinda : God knows--monkey left to roam free, due to human error


Story:

Vikram drooolll.... comes to capture Bheera. Instead, Bheera captures Ragini. Vikram with that let loose monkey and several other extras dressed in army outfits (really army to capture a bandit?) set out to bring back Ragini and to catch Bheera.


Scene 1: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 1

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screech I am not afraid of you..I am not afraid of death screeechhh…

Bheera- bak bak jhik jhik


Scene 2:

Vikram drool drip drip… comes to the place where Ragini was held captive. He sees her dress, drops on the ground.

Dream scene-

Ragini in ultra short blouse and low waist saree calls herself a classical dancer, teaches dance to 50 kids in her cramped 1 bedroom flat.

Ragini- jatak matak ooo look at my tiny waist jatak and my smooth skin matak matak…I can’t act but who cares.

Vikram – my dear Raginiiiii…boohoooo….

End of dream scene


Scene 3: Interaction between Bheera and Ragini, part 2

Bheera- bak bak bak jhik jhik jhik

Ragini- screechhhhhhhhhhhhhhh …arches eyebrows, fake tears..screechhhh… Thank god for water-proof eyeliners screechhh.....


Scene 4: Bheera and Vikram clash on a bridge

Vikram- ohh look at my muscles, they look so good in this ultra tight Roopa baniyan. Dishumm dishum

Bheera- Saalee… dishum

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, both of them too.


Scene 5: Who gets Ragini?

Bheera emerges.

Bheera- I am donating you to that guy. Have fun.

Bheera disappears.

Vikram emerges.

Vikram- Awesome baniyan material, I fell 30 ft not a hole in the cloth. Must get some more.

Vikram- Ragini, I can see that you are ok. Where is Bheera? Dammit I missed him. Next time.

Ragini- Bats eyelids..fake tears. Haila! my heroooo…


Scene 6: Agni..something

Vikram- You must have done some hanky-panky with Bheera no? You were with him for 14 days and 14 NIGHTS.

Ragini- What rubbish. Who told you so?

Vikram- Bheera only. If you are really telling the truth take a polygraph test. (I SWEAR this is what he tells her).

Ragini- What?! Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…Noooo…

Vikram- Stop your eye exercise, you are making me nauseas.

Ragini- Gasp! How rude!

Pulls the red lever meant to stop a train during emergency.

Vikram- Who is going to pay the fine for pulling that lever? Your maama?


Scene 7: Ragini confronts Bheera

Ragini- What did you tell my pati?

Bheera- That you are even more shiny and pure than 24ct gold.

Ragini- Pupils dialate. Reaaallyyyyy??? How shweettt…. Vikram didn’t believe me, he said things. Things that I cannot tell you in public. Fake tears….

Bheera- Really? Will you stay with me?

Ragini- Arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- I love what you do with your eyes

Ragini- arches eyebrows, bats eyelids…giggle

Bheera- Waiiiiiiitttttt a minitteee… Does he know you are here? He has used you as a bait to locate me.

Ragini- Chee don’t be silly. If he had that much budhi, he would have caught you long ago.


Scene 8: Last scene THANK GOD.

Tan tan tanadannnnaaaannnnnnnnnnn…

Vikram comes with the entire Indian army and all the Alsatian dogs in Bangalore.

Vikram- Hasta la vista Bheera..

Ragini- Noooo… eess koo maath maarooo….

Vikram- Ragini, come I will get you the Cover girl lash blast mascara, come here.

Ragini- sachi muchi? Ok.

Doom doom doom…

Bheera- ahhhh….

Dudhak. RIP.


The End.

Rating- 2/10 (2 is only for Vikram). Mani Ratnam please take VRS.

PS1- This piece is dedicated to my friend K who is struggling in Basel without entertainment.

PS2- I am sorry this space was ignored for so many months. I am occupied with other things right now and this space shall be dusted occasionally.

PS3- Its not good to take such long breaks. It took me so long to write this crap review, you guys better leave a nice comment, if you are leaving one.

PS 4- To that nut job who is leaving me a comment in Chinese or Japanese or Korean for the Dorie Greenspan post, stop it. I get it that you like the cookie but you don’t have to leave a comment every week!!

Do you cry?

When I was in my 8th standard I remember my friend telling me how her mom had tears in her eyes and goose bumps all over when she was watching the movie 'Roja', especially the scene where the villain sets the Indian flag on fire and Arvind Swamy tries to extinguish it using his own body and his over sized red sweater. "What rot! Its just a movie people!!" I remember saying to myself. Another day, there was some Nagin- type movie on TV and our maid who was chatting with my mom suddenly fell in front of the TV and did sashtanga namaskaram, saying "devare kapadu nanna" (God please save me) (Nagin and God? I don't get it *scratch head*). I almost had a mini-heart attack when I saw her reverence to that gaudily dressed Nagin (whose tongue seemed to have a life of its own)!

Then yesterday, we were watching 'Marley and me', its a story about a couple who get a horribly unruly puppy and as years go by, they have 3 kids, 1 miscarriage, petty fights, job change, house change, state change and the puppy also grows into this huge dog. Then the dog has to be put to sleep because of a twisted stomach and the hero tells the dog even though he chewed up his sofa, swallowed his answering machine, ate his phone, ripped the carpet and floor, tore the blinds and made the house look like it was burgled he still was the best dog ever.

"Aiioooo entha peetil" (oh no! what a blade) said J
"Hmmm..." said I, trying so very hard not to cry. But when the dog closed his eyes slowly, Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati came flooding. J didn't believe I was crying, he made sure the river flowing from my eyes was salty and indeed tears before proceeding to console me. Now if your thinking I have gone soft in the head, think again. I didn't shed a tear when my fishes died. I felt extremely sad, but no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes, I couldn't produce even 1 tear! Well, obviously there is a lot of difference between a dog (super cute, does tricks, knows your feelings, plays with you, always there for you) and a fish (super dumb, swim, eat, poop) but still...oh I don't know!

Anyway, lesson learnt: Never watch a dog movie in which the dog dies or get hurts.
So do you cry when you watch movies?
Oh c'mon tell me the truth I won't tell anyone, Taliban-promise.

Anger

Ok, so Slumdog Millionaire won 8 Oscars. Did it deserve so many? I am not too sure. I never did like that movie. Why? Because,

1. I found the term "slumdog" derogatory. I do not think this movie would have fared any different if this term was not used.

2. This type of plot and theme has been used in a lot of movies. This is not the first. So why does it get special treatment? Because it was in English?

3. Many people including my American friends and the guy I am married to said " Oh! The way the flash back scenes were integrated into the story was really unique", "It was not just an ordinary love story" etc etc. People go get the tamil movie Autograph- plenty of flash backs plus it is well made. The love story was unique? I would like to know your definition of 'unique'. What the heck?!!! It was a stupid filmy mushy love story just like any other Hindi/ Tamil/Kannada/Telugu movie!!!

And the final reason for me not liking that movie,

ANIL KAPOOR- please retire and don't show us your face anymore. We have seen you enough!

Many people including, Chitra Banerjee Divakarun feel that Indians dislike this movie because we Indians do not like showing the real state of our country. I ask you one thing , so what did the slum kids gain by this? All this initial Oscar hullabaloo will soon fade and those kids will be a distant memory. We do not even know if the world is laughing with us rejoicing at the success of this movie or laughing at us for the state our country is in.

Incidentally, the same woman is the author of the Ashiwarya Rai starrer "Mistress Of Spice". Now, we all know how that movie was ....umm.. like CRAP!!

Moving on, so music king, A. R Rahman wins 2 Oscars. Did this work deserve an Oscar?! Hell NO! His music in movies like Roja, Bombay, Dil Se were more awe-inspiring than what he did in this movie. So now, what does the Indian government do? They plan not to tax him for his awards!!!!!!!! Okay, Mr. P.Chidambaram honorable finance minister I want to get something clear, so A. R Rahman gets a tax exempt. But my mom and my parents-in-law who live off their pension have to pay taxes? Why, because they did not bring home an Oscar!!?? What the fuck!?

In almost all Indian websites, I see politicians giving press statements saying they are very proud. Proud of what? Proud that your country houses so many slums? Proud that when you can travel in first class and live in big bungalows and drive around in posh cars, those slum kids do not even have access to the most basic amenities and more importantly a good education. And for Christ's sake please STOP calling it a Bollywood movie. IT IS NOT A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE!!! Get your facts right before you go blabbering off in some TV channel.

Our country is filled with insane people like this one- Pramod Muthalik (who runs Sri Ram Sene) who are trying to restore the so called " Indian tradition and culture". We do not need bully-boys like him to tell us what to do, what to wear, where to go and not to go, what to eat, what to watch, what to listen and when to visit the toilet. You neither have the authority nor the rights to dictate terms to another human being. If you are swamped with a sudden surge of humanity and feel compelled to save something/someone- the slums of India are waiting for you. Provide them with schools, health care and jobs. We do not need your moral policing, save it for your wife/mom/aunts/sisters/kids . You are a shame to our nation.

I just hope that through this movie, some international aid/social agency steps forward to provide these kids with a bright future. I say international aid agency because, I know our politicians/leaders/lunatic fanatics are busy saving "India's culture/tradition" and providing tax benefits to the filthy rich.

Movie Masala

We went to watch "I am just not that into you" yesterday. I found it intensely boring. Maybe because I could not relate to any of those situations those girls were in. Yep! Mine is an arranged maduve.
No dating, no coochi cochi cooing! just huduga nodu, maduve madu!

Anyways, one particular scene got my attention.
Jennifer Aniston finds a ring (yes, a diamond one) and turns to ask her boyfriend Ben Affleck about it. When she turns around..TADA! He is on one knee professing his love and asking her to marry him!

Me (wiping away my tear)- Nodu..nodu.. Neenu nange hange yenadru madithya?
(see, see. Have you ever done anything like that for me?
Him- Neenu Jennifer Aniston a? Neenu Jen Aniston agidre madthidhe.
(Are you Jennifer Aniston? If you were her i would have done all that)
Me-Adhu bere!! Ninge naane jasthi!
(You are so lucky you got me!)
Him- If not for me you would still be riding BMTC and going to your company, which one is that? Genie o panni o yenno ethalla.
Me- If not for me you would..
HUSHHHHHH.... (from behind, front and sides!)

We had to cut our movie short and watch the one on screen instead.
Some got married, some split up. All in all, everyone was happy.
The End. (YAWN!!!)

$20 wasteu for this kachada movie. Thank God we didn't waste money on soda and popcorn.

Tomorrow is Monday- Boo hooo....

Have a nice week y'all!!