Friday, July 10, 2009

Do you want to be a queen?

All that H4/homemaker post got me thinking, how did an Indian/Egyptian queen pass her time? I think like this:

9am: wake up
9.30am: drink herbal tea in a gold cup served by a maiden and eat hot fluffy poori with spicy chole
10am: dip into a marble king-sized tub, filled with lukewarm water, rose petals and rose essence.
10.30am: allow 5 fair maidens to scrub back and give a sponge bath
11am: allow a muscular hunk to give a foot massage
11.30 to 12.30pm: choose a dress
12.30pm: allow the fair maidens to fit you in that dress and apply gaudy make up. All this while giggling mindlessly
1.15pm: show off the gaudy make up to your king. Well, it's more of a fight because the queen has to fight with his other 5 queens who all want to show off their gaudy make-ups.
1.45pm: lunch of chicken tikka masala, dal chawal ,roti, kheer, pickles, curds, paneer makhani, tandoori gobi, garlic naan, maggi noodles.
2.30pm: try very hard to take a nap because it's just too hot. There is no fan/AC and those maidens who fan using those useless feathers are just hopeless (plus you can't increase their speed).
3 pm: drink herbal tea and do useless chit chat with the other queens and concubines. Show off the latest fashion accessories.
4pm : get ready to attend the king's 6th wedding
5pm : pretend to be happy seeing the king's 6th wife
6pm-7pm: gather around with the other 5 wives and bitch about the 6th wife. Pray that she never bears a son.
7pm: enjoy or atleast pretend to enjoy a bull-fight
8pm: dinner time, again vie with the other wives to get the king's attention (very slim chance as today he has eyes only for the 6th one). Enjoy the fried rice, rajma, bhaingan bhaja, masala vadas, bisibelabath, holige, chom-chom, ragullas, luchi, alu dom, panner tikkas, kadai paneer, rose milk, vanilla ice cream with fruit salad etc etc...
9pm : play cards with the bimbo sahelis. Yell at the lady to fan harder.
10 pm: pray hard that the king chooses to visit your room tonight and pray harder that you bear him a son.

Do I want to be a queen? Hmm...except for that foot massage, bath and food being a queen sucks big time. So I shall pass. What about you?

Ok, I lied. The inspiration for this post was this song,


  1. You are just hilarious, SJ!

    Yes, I wouldn't mind the massage and bath. Can't even afford to think about food! I put on weight by just thinking of food :(

  2. However deeply I love Kerala if given a choice I would prefer to be a queen minus wearing those coconut shell sequinned top in the video. You restored my faith that masala vade along with maggi was served even in ancient Egypt!!
    Meena Kumari H4 act doesn't work on the king?? so sad no?

  3. Yes..yes...I love love love this song. Truly inspirational.:)
    5 maidens to scrub back...??? uhh...uhh. I think one is enuf.;)

  4. when i had thought i had again forgotten MJ...u remind me!!

    Queen i still am...of this little kingdom called 'pali' and yeah, i wudnt mind some company of other queens. i even keep elbowing king pali sometimes, "look at that one..real sexy"..not!!

  5. @Wordsndreamz,
    that what I want to be-hilarious, some people take it too serious though :P. What no food? being a queen? Anyways the king is going to have 5 wives so why even bother maintaining your figure ;)
    Meena kumari act works only if there is 1 meena kumari. In this case there are 5-6 meena kumaris so nopes.
    1 is definitely not enough lady! She is a queen. You never watched Ramanand Sagar's serials?
    Aww..that wasn't my intention I stumbled upon it and heard the queen saying "I am bored entertain me' that when I hit upon this post :P No clue what pali means :(

  6. hell no! i can't share my man, queen or no queen..

  7. hey queen...what u doing?
    when is the exam buddhimaa?

  8. Unique piece kaney neenu...How do u manage to come up with posts like this...visiting your bolg is full paisa-vasool :) and tumba thanks for your comment on my photography :D

  9. I would have loved to be a queen, but more Cleopatra types or Alisha in "Made in India" types where I COULD DOMINATE and choose which king I wanted to go to bed with:P
    But life without fan or AC...boy! that would have been really tough, how did they even survive???...especially with all the make-up!!!Oh my, now I am feeling sorry for the queens!

  10. Being queen to ancient kings suck big time. Better to rule your own small world where the king fights for your attention!!

  11. Hilaraious,SJ....see if I had those helps all around me for my sundriest of the fancy then I think I wouldnt mind being a queen but then I dont think the helps would be all that gracious towards me to cater to my never ending demand list!
    And foot and body massage would surely be on top of the recurring list!

  12. What a funny post, and what a classic music video to refer to:) This post totally cracked me up!!
    On a side note...Iman doesn't seem to have aged a bit in the past 15 yrs that she made this video, dang some women have All the luck!!

  13. I dont mind being the queen provided I am the only wife to the King...and provided that I don't have to wear those bra-like blouses like RamanandaSagar's queens...I prefer a T-shirt !!!
    and for timepass:
    (1) Pose for some oil paintings
    (2) Go for boat rides every evening
    (3) Fight with King because he didn't rename the new town he conquered in my honor
    (4) Banish the poet for not coming up with any new poems praising my beauty
    (5) pick outfits for the King
    (6) fight with him if he doesn't wear the outfit that I choose
    (7) Refuse to eat or sleep (or atleast pretend) until King orders the Royal Inventor to come up with some device that can blow cool-air

  14. LMAO!! Your posts are addictive!

  15. Umm... with all that food thats gobbled by the 5 queens, would the king even throw a glance at them? or did you forget mentioning VLCC hr in between??

    ROFLOLzzzz.... @ pray harder that you bear him a son!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

  16. Ohh btw,... i dint answer your question... I'd be a queen, provided the king buys me a nice A/C.

  17. This queen business would suck big time. For all you know, the king would have castrated that handsome foot masseur,to protect his own honour.The bimbos would bore you to death and the sixth wife might just bear him the coveted son.
    I think the H4 visa is just fine. Who wants to be a bimbo queen anyway?

  18. Well my first comment did not get saved... so here is my two-bit. The queen will soon become a fat one thanks to her diet. Your posts are crazy but I keep coming back :-) Dunno why... Yeah, I have the answer - it brings a smile on my face which lasts for quite some time :-) :-)

  19. Spending "Life" as a "Queen"..well nothing much interesting apart from the food, bath and the massage part...and such cut-throat competition to gain attention...i would prefer killing the king and runaway with the cook and the man giving the foot massage...because i think, filing a divorce would ruin all chances of even getting the cook and "the man at my feet".. :D

  20. This was fun to read,i loved ur post on H4 saga :)

    Wow queens eating maggie :) I am on dieting so can't think of the food queens are eating.

  21. No way!! I am better off being myself :) cant share my man, cant tolerate gaudy makeup...

  22. Me being a "Queen" is - if I'm allowed to reach work at 10.30 without Boss glaring and the luxury of dancers entertaining at the snap of my fingers (Just like the song). But apart from that, I guess I can live without the gaudy makeup, 'helpers' trying to fit me into a dress and fighting for the Old King with other queens! BTW, Thats my Fav Song!

  23. I loved this got me laughing so much, not so much at the queen more so at u & how jobless u must have been to follow this train of thought;-D

    Keep em coming:-D!!!!!!!!


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